Friday, January 27, 2012

I Wanna be Where the Boys Are

 ...How many times have I restarted this post now? Four? Five? Nine attempts now? Do I even know what I really want to say? Maybe that's delirium preventing me from putting things in proper order. The sickness was a hard round this time. It's made the story I was going to tell days ago blur in my head.

 I wish it weren't so severe on me. Darts would worry less. And that would be healthier for her.

She's always worrying about my well-being, screw her own, who needs to be alive to tend to someone else anyway?

Just like her waiting on me to decide when it was a good time to come out as a couple. She really didn't care. At all. Just so long as we were happy in our in between moments - and we were quite happy in the bathroom stalls, between lockers in the halls, under the bleachers - then she's happy. Can I just mention that assemblies were the best thing since sliced bread?

But, you know, eventually the secrets, the between the-sheets-unseen-scenes, the hiding, wore me down. I wanted to share my joy. I wanted to explain why my Saturday nights were always "occupied" for my social calendar. I wanted to rub it in people's faces. I wanted to cause controversy. I especially wanted a bad punk band to back me while I screamed out my passions on the school's rooftops.

But then if I did that, I'd risk getting suspended. And though I felt the need to take the risk of coming out, I've never been that much of a risk taker.

The RaRa's took it surprisingly well. I guess having a lesbian on the cheer team is sort of a novelty or something? Or maybe they were better friends than I was giving them credit for. There are a few potential reasons on that one, but whatever it was I was grateful for the lack of dissenting opinions on the team. Of course, there was one, but she doesn't warrant mention so much right now.

It made me happy to be able to talk about things. Suddenly I was ten times cooler with dudes. Not because I would make out with Darts openly pretty much anywhere, though that was cool too, but because we totally compared notes on how we'd spend hours pleasing our partners.

Dirty little secrets.

They never stay secrets long. But while it was just at school, it was good. You know?

I'm back on my feet, in case you didn't catch that bit. Didn't lose my job too! Twice the win.